How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
