I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
