Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My cat gives me a boner
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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