I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
