whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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