i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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