the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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