It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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