I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
