I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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