my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
