Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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