Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
