no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
