I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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