And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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