Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
These tits shall not be calmed
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
