So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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