I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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