Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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