she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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