Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
