I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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