I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
How external is "for external use only"?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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