Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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