You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
