ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
