I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
