my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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