Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
