I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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