You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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