my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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