You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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