My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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