Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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