Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
