I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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