Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
