explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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