Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
