even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
