Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
