70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
