Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
