i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
