Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
