Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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