How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
