At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize