She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
