I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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