Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
