I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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