News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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