So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize